SEATTLE, WA — In a shocking turn of events, the mutant raccoon and viral social media star known as "Jimothy" was eaten this afternoon by Secretary of Health and Human Services Robert F. Kennedy Jr.

Women may be the fairer sex, but are they the better sex? Research is conclusive that men are better at quite a few things than women.

NEW YORK, NY — The red-hot warmth of collectivism struck a federal immigration court in downtown New York City yesterday, injuring multiple people with its soothing heat.

ELKO, NV — Local woman Sherry McKenzie reportedly ruined her reputation and was now being held up as an example of what a total failure of a woman looks like after it was discovered that she hasn't finished her Christmas shopping.

NASHVILLE, TN — Conservative commentator Matt Walsh savagely lambasted director Christopher Nolan for his abject failure to cast any actual Greek demigods in The Odyssey.

MIAMI, FL — A prominent lesbian couple was arrested Saturday on charges of sex trafficking, the latest in a long line of arrests and controversial charges brought against the pair.

SPRING HILL, TN — Local dad Dave Tibbets, whose wife and children were visiting relatives out of state, reportedly arrived at church at 6:00 AM on Sunday, a full 3.5 hours before the 9:30 AM service was scheduled to begin.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — America's election woes are finally at an end, as President Donald Trump announced an exciting new plan to put all voting booths inside Olive Garden restaurants.

THE COUNTERTOP — The devastating Cyclospora parasite outbreak that lives on fresh produce tragically struck several beloved members of the VeggieTales cast this week.

INDIANAPOLIS, IN — WNBA star Caitlin Clark put up an historic triple-double last night, suffering 10 fractures, 11 concussions, and over a dozen teeth knocked out.

U.S. — After 19 days of added time, Pride Month finally came to a close.

BEIJING — Fresh off once again winning the election in China with a remarkable 100% of the vote, President Xi Jinping assured Americans that he would never do anything to rig an election.

LANSING, MI — Six years after friends and neighbors mercilessly mocked him for filling his garage with industrial-sized towers of toilet paper during the COVID pandemic, local man Greg Hutchins reportedly emerged from his home Friday with a smug grin and a fresh roll of Charmin draped triumphantly over his shoulder.

IRAN — U.S. Central Command attempted to launch another wave of strikes on Iran today, but it was called off last minute due to an inability to locate Iran.

U.S. — Hoping to piggyback off of their smash hit "K-Pop Demon Hunters", Netflix has announced a new animated film coming in fall 2026 entitled "Bro-Country Demon Hunters".

RALEIGH, NC — A passenger plane tragically crashed on the outskirts of Raleigh on Friday afternoon after no one told any of the passengers on board to "fly safe."

AUSTIN, TX — Governor Greg Abbott signed into law this morning a new measure that would impose the death penalty on anyone who begins an email with "Happy Monday, Team!"

DOWNEY, CA — According to witnesses, a man eating at Taco Bell received quite a bit more Baja Blast than he had been counting on.

ATLANTA, GA — President Donald Trump's national address on election integrity may have fallen on deaf ears, according to a new CNN poll that shows 125% of Americans don't believe his claims of election fraud.

U.S. — Civil engineer David Sharpe started out with an ambitious goal to build a city on rock and roll, but now says he should have just stuck with more traditional infrastructure planning methods.